Main | May 2009 »

April 25, 2009

Applause in High C

For years I have successfully boycotted the recorder—or rather the assertion that the recorder was an instrument. Today, at the Baltimore County Elementary Choral and Recorder Festival, I was pleasantly surprised—once I got over the treachery—by the evidence that proves that the recorder is—or at least that it can be—an instrument.

One year my daughter announced she was learning to play the recorder. As a former high-school band flutist, I contained my laughter.

Within days the notice and the request for money to purchase said recorder arrived, was signed and eventually returned. As threatened, a recorder soon followed.

I was spared hours of what I imagined would be labored sounds of breathing, perhaps a barely perceptible throaty tweet every now and then. There was little practicing at home. It didn’t seem odd to me, what was there to actually practice?

I did not complain.

Months later the concert was announced. Again, I did not worry, I did not complain.

Concert night arrived.

I consider myself a supportive mother, if not always a composed adult. And yet, a stage full of throaty whisperings, at least 45 children breathing ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ down cream colored recorders made my sides hurt. I sat in the metal folding chair with my then four or five year old son beside me and thought of things that were not funny. Things like hunger, homework, bills. It worked until I looked at the quizzical expression on my little one’s face and burst into laughter.

Years later, by the time my son brought his permission slip home; I had learned to say no. Besides, recorders didn’t come up in conversation any more and though not missed, I had not heard one squeak even at the last concert. Still, because I had been at the last concert, I said no to all instruments until we could afford to offset classroom instruction with private lessons.

Over the years I had learned it was not the children: they had the required amounts of imagination, belief and desire. Maybe it wasn’t even the music teachers: they were most likely doing the best with what they had. It was us, the parents, who were to blame. We had lowered our expectations and finally had been duly rewarded with grinning second, third, fourth and fifth graders barely squeaking out C’s to roars of applause.

My son has a beautiful voice and his school is blessed with a talented music teacher with standards high enough to lead the boy’s choir to where I want to be—the audience.

My son has been in boy’s choir for a few years now and today, I went today to hear him perform in the All County choir with talented children from schools across the county. Until I looked at the schedule this afternoon, I was not aware recorders would be present, let alone played.

Years of artfully dodging them had led to this.

I resigned myself to an afternoon of cramps.

By the first refrain I was a believer. With the right blend of practice, effort, skill, teaching, support and expectation, kids can do amazing things with a recorder.

Is my littlest one a future recorder player?

I applaud effort, I support hard work, and I encourage imagination. I give standing ovations when children try, fail or show up. I hear squeaks and dream of symphonies.

Today, I heard symphonies.

[ Yahoo! ] options

April 19, 2009

Goodbye, etc...

If you are reading this message in response to a text, IM, email, voicemail, telephone or face to face (highly unlikely) exchange for which you need clarification, these are the things I probably should have said.

1. I am intentionally vague.
2. Despite what you may have been led to believe: very seldom does something slip that I didn’t want you to know.
3. I am commitment challenged: in a relationship (at least right now) the only thing I’m really committed to is changing my mind.
4. While whatever you did is annoying, irritating, frustrating, inappropriate and/or asinine: if it was not this, I would have left you for something else.
5. Despite the implication, I really don’t want to be friends. Maybe is so big and so broad and so wide a word that while I may have said, “Maybe we can be friends;” what I meant was we are not friends.


[ Yahoo! ] options

April 16, 2009

The Unfollowing

In about five minutes I will have un-followed my first “friend.”


Why does it bother me?


In truth, it’s not the unfollowing that bothers me. I only knew him as well as I could know anyone with whom I exchanged workshop critiques over a 3-week summer writer’s workshop. Which is to say I knew him by words and by sight—which does not, as some might believe, mean I knew his insights, or lack thereof.


I did not know his politics.  I did not know his racial barometer, his insecurities.  Perhaps I don’t actually endeavor to know anyone that well. In the past, I had at best glanced at his updates. But now that either I have more time or he does, his updates appear to have become more frantic and more frequent. I find myself shocked by their chantish quality, their lack of depth, their lack of respect of my time.


In all honesty, what I remember best about him that summer is his overly long workshop piece laden with slightly-offensive assumptions of camaraderie and the presumption that I had the time to read it. That is what I find bothersome about following, or the implications of my following him: the presumption of shared beliefs.


It should be enough for me to quietly select unfollow and leave him to wonder why I would do such a thing.  Sadly, it is not.  It’s not even enough for me to craft an email telling him why.  I expect he would write something about the Fifth Amendment.  But, since his right to write his racist views does not infringe upon my right not read it, I will instead unfollow him and let the words fall will they may.

 

 

[ Yahoo! ] options

April 13, 2009

AWP, Chicago 2009 As Seen By Yvonne Battle-Felton

Download file
[ Yahoo! ] options

Points of Interest: Eden's Lounge

I will admit that more than a decade has passed since my days of sneaking into clubs using ID of questionable validity.  So, I was surprised when I discovered this past weekend that the days of sensuous, flirtatious moves on the dance floor have been replaced with the need for condoms.

 

Good Points

1.      Harem-esque décor gives the lounge an aura of the exotic (though the moves on the  floor are closer to erotica)

2.      Two for one Happy Hour and no cover until 9.

3.      Parking lot across the street.

4.      Diverse crowd ranging in age, income, and dateability.

5.      Dark enough to just have a good time without worrying how fine (or not) the guy you just passed was.

6.      Clean, available, and easy to locate bathrooms.

7.      While encouraging a certain type of intimacy the crowded dance floor does not encourage lingering conversations.

 

Not-So-Good Points

1.      After two drinks those steps become treacherous.

2.      While there are many places to sit, under the air conditioner is not one of them: Depending on where you sit, it leaks.

3.      Tables located around the dance floor seems like such a good idea, until a mixed drink comes cascading towards you.

[ Yahoo! ] options

April 10, 2009

Monday, July 7


 I have skimmed the lives of two women and judged them well before rapidly (that is to say before pages 370 and 254 respectively).

 


Verdict?


Not worthy.


These women whose lives I have so harshly judged have chosen the intimacy of parchment (well, paper but parchment sounds more sensuous to my ears) in the hopes that I will understand the choices they have made, the people they have become.  Not, with the hopes that I would share such intimacies with them, we are not sharing secrets.  So, I flippantly skim page after page (not more than ten per life) and put it in my return pile.  Intimacy over lavender?  Whisperings over the crumbs of a former mistress?  (ok, that sounds slightly provocative)  Still, I wonder without endeavoring to know more than ten random pages of these women’s lives what they can share with me?  What they can teach me?  Their lives did not touch me because I was not willing to root out the precious words from the rest.


Somewhere in the corner of Enoch Pratt, preferably in a dark corner, with the scent of musk, a faint scent, there lies the memoir for me.  The one that says what I need to hear, when I need to hear it. 

[ Yahoo! ] options

Sunday, July 6


 I have just finished Rachel Sontag's memoir.  I would describe it as an "easy read" if only to be obnoxious.  I read it eagerly at times and at other times with trepidation, not because of what she said but because of what I thought she meant.  Devouring the pages there were lines that brought tears to my eyes, lines filled with meaning on the edge or underneath it, lines focused and clear and precise.  Then there were lines with innuendo or suggestion, where a hint of something terrible was not nearly enough. 
 
If I were talking to Rachel, and after 200 or so pages I know her fairly well enough to call her by her first name, so if Rachel and I were talking I would have to ask her to tell me exactly what was going on.  The implication is that her controlling, perhaps over protective father was drugging her mother and perhaps sexually attracted to his daughter, though instead of acting on these impulses (thankfully) he exerted control over her appearance, her actions and most sadistically and brutally her self esteem and self worth.  It was a malicious cycle of abuse where her father dictated harsh, untrue and hurtful things for her to write, internalize and sooner or later believe.  It was definitely abuse.  Her mother, often drugged either by him or by her illusions of love, stood idly by, when she wasn't trying to kill Rachel. 
 
And yet, there is an implication that the father, who prescribed drugs for his mother and kept codeine liked in a safe at home (why?) and looked at his daughter and thought obscene things about her, had an unusual attraction to Rachel of which his mother was jealous of.
 
I'm not sure where Rachel is when we meet, psychologically I mean.  She has sought therapy but has not resolved the issues with her parents. She has reached the point where she can survive without oozing back in to their patterns and her sister has emerged from the well dripping with another problem, but there seems to be no self resolution.  There is the sense that that functions, but not that she has learned a thing.
 
This is a memoir that shows the reasons she has acted or reacted a certain way, it is an answer perhaps to a question she was asked by a lover she had no way of answering, other than like this, thus we have Rachel.

 


Very close to intimate, very close to healed.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Friday, July 04, 2008

Another publication has slivered in to oblivion, tucked its thin, shiny pages and high-tech, glossy covers between its trembling bold-fonted legs, and kissed its ISBN number goodbye. 
 
To be honest, though I have seen at least one issue of Woman's Scope Magazine--the issue its publisher left in our office bearing my name (though I had never written anything for her) as a contributing writer.  I have never read it, nor visited the website, looked for it in a venue, or considered writing an article, letter or post to it.
 
The structure of publishing as an industry is crumbling, seemingly by choice.  When I spoke with Woman's Scope's publisher Janet Leak, she was enthusiastic about the corners her magazine would turn if it could only make it through this rough patch which to her reflected the next three months and to me reflected the past twelve. I asked if she had a blog (I had assumed she had a website) and she didn't.  Since we had spent a class discussing the benefits of blogging, I felt confident suggesting she allow her underpaid staff of writers the opportunity to blog using their articles as jumping points.  It was an opportunity to extend the conversations their articles had generated and ideally an opportunity to use some of the research that was now cluttering their cyber waste baskets to foster a sense of readership and networking. She agreed, it would give her writers the exposure they needed to start build their careers. 
 
She quickly scribbled my notes and suggestions, asking questions that made me wonder at her cyberbility.  Excitedly, she agreed, it would give her writers the exposure they needed to build their careers.  The idea, the entire concept seemed completely new. Perhaps that's when I began to worry about the scope of her endeavor. 
 
Less than one month later her magazine folded, at least in print.
 
This could be an exciting time for her, a time of blogs and chats, of timely articles, interactive pieces and reader led (moderated) interviews.  She could take her publication beyond the mortality of ink. But, she will only do that if someone, ideally a stable of underpaid, hungry writers, drags her by the wireless carrier of her choice in to the 21st century.
[ Yahoo! ] options

Friday, June 27, 2008

At what point do we realize we have everything we want? 

I have today, everything of value I have ever asked for, I’m a mother, I have healthy children,  I’m a writer, I own a home, a car, I have a good job.  What’s next?  It’s time to revamp my goals, to add some maturity and depth to them: re-envisioning the American Dream…
[ Yahoo! ] options

Thursday, June 26, 2008

People of otherwise good intentions.


People seem to underestimate the depths of shallowness to which I have sunk.  Despite my confessions they insist on introducing me to men they claim to consider friends. 

[ Yahoo! ] options

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Navigating long distance relationships, okay so I’m not an expert…As much as I love Sex in the City, we don’t need another one.  Do we really need to know what another 30something year old mom is really thinking?  I’d have to say yes.  Intimacy, honesty, opinion they have their place perhaps the distance is disturbing (or only to me) but it is important to know this journey is a shared experience.  Honestly, everyone wants the same things out of life, we are just jaded enough to think we are that unique.  Animals are creatures of habit, why do we keep forgetting that?


Wielded today in syrupy doses meant to cleanse the pallets of adulterers, evaders and otherwise indistinguishable ‘ers.’ 

[ Yahoo! ] options

On Matters of Necessity: A Review of Necessary Sins

There is a point where loved ones, once removed from the cumbersome stresses of life, appear in memory as innocent, guileless ghosts we were blessed to have known: as angels. Such is as they appear in Necessary Sins. Death is deceptive like that. Death is forgiving in a way memoir, or the reading of memoir, is not. Lynn Darling’s Necessary Sins introduces a not-so young woman and her pursuits of a not-so single man. Darling portrays young Lynn as a college girl curious about sex and life; and her position in both. Perhaps she is a late bloomer. Something—her breasts, her sense of self, her appetite—develops and gone are the vestiges of youth. Though Darling doesn’t seem to know that. An insecure Darling graduates from Harvard but not from the collegiate lifestyle as she tumbles from one bed to the other well in to her late twenties. Her exploits in to sexual and social identity seem to last well beyond the time self exploration is expected. Yet, Darling curiously chooses to dismiss her actions as a sort of rite of passage: she confuses choice with youth.

As a not-so young woman, her conquests include the accomplished and the dangerous. As an inquisitive Washington Post writer who seems to question her own worth more than anything else, she eventually pursues Lee Lescaze. Darling portrays Lescaze as an innocent, though willing, bystander in his own seduction. The seduction is lingering, or as slow as seduction can be when the object of the seduction—no matter how willing—is a married coworker. Through a devious or remarkably amateur device, (she sends him flowers with a signed card), Lescaze’s wife, Becky, uncovers the affair. And so does the Post.

There is no discussion of why Darling sends the card, or why Lescaze keeps it, or even of why he leaves it for Becky to find. This memoir does not explore intention or motivation. Either way, within a few pages, Lescaze is Darling’s. With her pendulum personality swinging predictably between adolescence and adulthood, of course by then she isn’t sure she wants him. Courting danger is intoxicating, but having it move in with you is an entirely different experience, and chapter.

Several times in the narrative Darling points to her youth. It is both the aphrodisiac and the elixir for Lescaze. At times, he is attracted to it, they both are: At times, he is repelled by it, they both are. Most of the time they seem to dangle from a ledge. Lescaze’s spiral continues through alcohol and the distance he places between his actions and his children. Darling doesn’t dally there. While it is the death of his son that seems to bring him closer to his daughters, it is his dying that brings him closer to readers.

But, it is in Lescaze’s death that Necessary Sins is a love story. Finally, Darling becomes real, but only here. Throughout most of the narrative, she is remote, deceptive. Darling is not a reliable narrator either because of the way she chooses to remember the past, or the way she chooses to reveal it. There is something keeping me from gaining access to Darling. I’d like to think it’s not judgment. Lynn Darling writes, I think honestly, about loving and losing Lescaze to cancer. And while she writes about remembering him now as a man, it’s not evident on the page.

The Lescaze Darling reveals does not reflect on his own decisions. And I don’t believe it. Their seduction seems to rely on words, on images, on fantasy. Am I to believe their reality relies on ignorance? The discussions: What are we doing? What have we done? How will our marriage be different?—don’t happen on the page. In fact, I have little indication from the text that they happen at all. Often, Darling does show the tender strains of marriage. She shows where the fairy tale of what I imagine she expects, does not add up to her reality. Still, I don’t see Lescaze’s divorce and the indecision; the doubt and the departure: I know these things because they are implied, not explored.

Hers is not the story of the wake. Darling prefers not to witness the damage caused by choices. Darling’s is the story of her time with the man she loves. In that, it is satisfactory. If I look to gain nothing more from it, I should be satisfied. But because I believe she is holding something back, because I believe it is unfair to present only the memoir you can bear to part with: I am not.

Darling’s memoir has inspired few criticisms. Either out of respect or malice, neither the Post nor the Times published an online review of the book. Insightful, honest, poignant, compelling. The few respectable reviews published online strike a familiar chord. They all ring slightly out of tune. According to Kirkus Reviews, Necessary Sins is a “multilayered memoir…probing the ethics of adultery and portraying an enviable, mature marriage.” Darling does not probe. She unobtrusively recalls, she recounts, she relays; she does not probe. Or rather, she does not probe where she does not want to. She analyzes her own behaviors to a degree. Darling doesn’t question the ethics of her affair. What Darling does is to show the seldom seen heartache, despair and helplessness in watching the man you love die.

I do not believe Darling accepts Lescaze’s role in the affair. Darling seems to blame her youth while ignoring the possibility of Lescaze’s downward spiral as a contributing cause. I cannot agree with Deborah Donovan’s 2007 review on Booklist: Darling “opens an achingly honest window onto her life…an emotionally rewarding read.” As I say that, I realize it is not entirely true that I don’t believe it. There are parts where Darling holds nothing back. She is vulnerable in ink as Lescaze dies, often shifting from anger to understanding. She is real there. In other places she is guarded. She is not ready to let the reader in.

While I do not agree with Vanessa Juarez’s EW review: “Though Darling glazes over her insecurities with self-deprecation…” Darling’s dissection of her insecurities and self-deprecation about her writing are amply sprinkled throughout the text. I do agree with her that “the narrative is most revealing when she lets her guard down.” If Darling dared to do that more often, her memoir would be compelling. Perhaps, like editor Alexandra Jacobs says in her review in The Observer: “Lynn Darling’s sins may indeed have been necessary. This book was not—at least not for anyone but herself.” Darling’s gift with Necessary Sins is not as she claims to her readers to be “a memoir about screwing up and growing up, about the way our mistakes and embarrassments often teach us more about ourselves than our success ever can.” It is the gift of knowing when to love someone, and what, in the end, is worth holding on to.

What else is really necessary?

[ Yahoo! ] options

Things I Learned From George Bush

1. My household is a Momocracy. I don’t negotiate with terrorists. Of course, I have the burden of making sure my terrorists are actually terrorists. So, I’m faced with the burden of proof, truth, and evidence…ok, so maybe I didn’t learn that from him.
[ Yahoo! ] options

Things I Don't Want My Children to Know

1. Each night I check to make sure they are breathing.
2. I am capable of doing unspeakable things to people who hurt my children.
3. I am not as nice as they think I am.
4. Dating wise, I’m far more shallow than they give me credit for. So, while my daughter worries that I don’t take an interest in the men we encounter at the market, the mall, the local McDonald’s—I have seen them (often before she has) and dismissed them.
5. The rest of the things that I don’t want them to learn by reading this, smiles.
[ Yahoo! ] options

Things I Want My Children to Know

1. I love them more than I can say.
2. I am so proud of them.
3. It’s a pleasure watching them grow as individuals–even though it means I will no longer be the center of their lives (and, yes, I am oblivious enough to believe I am now the center of their lives).
4. I enjoy engaging in conversations with them (which is not the same as arguing with them, see things I learned from George Bush).
5. They are talented, beautiful, wonderful children who will grow in to talented, beautiful, wonderful adults who will never try to force me in to a nursing home (unless it’s a really nice one where I can write for hours on end while watching the ocean from my ocean-view apartment).
6. They are destined for success.
7. They can tell me anything.
8. I will always love them.
9. I will not always be right, but that won’t always stop me from offering my opinion.
10. Never stop learning.
11. Make new mistakes, there’s no sense remaking the ones I have already made (and, made quite well thank you).
12. Don’t let any one decide your dreams (not even me).
13. No one has the power to make you fail.
14. Make the decisions that will make you proud, not popular
[ Yahoo! ] options

Baltimore Book Festival

If you’ve been within a mile of Mount Vernon Place this week; if you’ve visited the library, a book store, a friend with a book; or if you’ve perused the Sun, the City Paper or b, chances are you already know The Baltimore Book Festival is this Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

I’m honored to be reading with Joanne Cavanaugh Simpson, writer, editor, Hopkins professor and advisor. We’ll be at the CityLit Tent from 1:45 to 2:15 as part of their School of Lit .

School of Lit features faculty and students from some of the area’s finest writing programs. Joanne and I will be reading nonfiction essays, short stories and talking about Johns Hopkins University Advanced Academic Programs MA in Writing.

I hope to see you there.

[ Yahoo! ] options

A Girl’s Guide to Staying Single–Pt. 1

We had been married six years, nine months, three weeks, and four days—no five—and only once have I pictured him dead.

I blame Wal-Mart.

Half way between a tube of Burnt Coffee lip-gloss and a 4-pack roll of single-ply bath tissue, there dangled rows of thick, braided rope. I fingered them, attempting to touch them all, lingering on the thickest braids. The knots were strong against my skin; the frays tickling the flesh between my fingers. One hundred feet for $9.99—One hundred feet.

It was the perfect length for tying a King-sized mattress securely to the roof of a car; or for my nine-year old son to practice tying knots to gain his merit badge; or for securing Justin to his office chair before sending the chair bounding down the 28 stone steps leading from our house to the street.
I slipped two coils into my cart.

“How much was that?” I asked.

Poking the corner of her mouth with her stubby, pink tongue in an act I’m certain someone told her resembled concentration, the cashier focused on the numbers on the screen, hoping I would do the same.

I peered at the slender plastic bag of my purchases: toilet paper, lip gloss, rope. My items implied I was the type of woman to buy on-sale toilet paper for the guest bathroom while buying Charmin for my own; who would apply lip gloss to her full lips to avoid leaving unappealing crescent shaped kisses on coffee cups; and who would haul a king-sized mattress in an elongated shopping cart, hoist it over the hood of a fairly new car and drive 45 mph down 695 to avoid losing said mattress.

In particular, the rope implied I was the type of mother who would stay up nights teaching her 9 year old son to tie wild animals with rope should he be confronted with a wild animal before attempting his merit badge. Or, the type of wife who pictured tying her husband to his leather, office chair, his sailing before gravity propelled him toward the parking pad where her car was conveniently not. A woman who pictured not blood and bone scattered in said parking spot, not his dying, but his death. Death presented neatly, like a gift, a tiny wooden cross where the bow would be.
My mattresses are delivered by people who endeavor to do such things; I do not have a son, and I don’t like the sight of blood.

“Take the rope off, I don’t need it.” I say.

There are at least one hundred ways to end a marriage–make that 99

[ Yahoo! ] options

Unintentions of Kindness

It is not the sort of place one typically finds me. But, it is where the people go. I had decided to wander amongst them. I had been told by the wife of the man who tends our gardens that of the markets of Florence, Piazza S. Lorenzo boasts the most delicate swatches of intricately hand-woven cloth of all Italia. For his birthday, Roberto’s mother had sewn, day and night, a table cloth of many colors and fabrics. Mama G—saw poorly during the day and even worse during the night. Two nights after her death, I gave the table cloth to her maid for her years of service and sent her on her way to make her fortune elsewhere. Finally, after two years of marriage, I am the woman of the house.

So, I needed a new table cloth for the main dining room and knew of no better place to find one suited to the task. When I arrived, it was barely dawn, yet every beggar, hag and orphan had a bauble to trade or a story to tell. Upon every rickety table, within each dank crevice, and across each wobbly threshold, crosses, beads, scarves, bags, fruits, vegetables, trinkets, spices; every ill-conceived convenience and cheap inconvenience, could be had for a lire or more.

I had wandered nearly an hour looking for a cloth of a certain pattern and distinction. The sun was high when I found it, finally. It was of the lightest cream and burnt beige. It was intricately woven with worn stones for an elegant, earthen appeal to the senses. And, it was in the hands of another.

“I have been here for hours and yours is the most pleasant face I have seen thus far,” I said. I had merely whispered her name when Maria twirled to face me. We gathered in a long embrace, as if we were friends when in fact, we are not.

“S. I have not seen you since dear S. G’s funeral. You have been missed at church.”

Maria spends day and night in church. In youth, we competed in all categories befitting ladies of our class. Beauty, grace, education, opportunity; I won them all. Religion was the only category I cared not win.

“How is Brother Roberto? He has always been terribly close to his mother.” There was a time Maria had eyed Roberto for herself, but the opportunity for her to let it be known to him, did not itself present. Rather, I also had my eye on Roberto and as I had older brothers with whom he was acquainted, the opportunity presented itself often for me to let him know of my interest.

Roberto was not an attractive boy and is not an attractive man. He is, however, very wealthy. My daughters and sons will have every convenience, as I now enjoy. Roberto is generous with his mistress as well, as I am generous with my lover, thanks to Roberto.

“And, how is the Father?” I have heard rumors of convents and wondered if they were true.

“Oh, praise his holy name, why just today—“

“What a beautiful cloth,” I interrupted. I had little interest in the church and spent only as much time as my title demanded in them.

“Reading the bible by candlelight has caused Sister L. to go blind, the delicate strands of this cloth, the mixture of strength and innocence, she will surely love this cloth.”

A cloth such as this is wasted on the blind, I thought.

“I have given the table cloth Dear Roberto’s mother made with her brittle fingers to her girl for her years of dedication.” It was mostly true. By now all of Florence knew the girl’s services were not needed a moment after the S.’s funeral. I suggested she vacate her rooms before the family returned from the cemetery, she did.

“If it will make Roberto’s burden easier to bear, you should have this cloth.”

The old woman of the table frowned. She had openly listened to our conversation and seemed to favor Maria’s nun.

“This cloth is for comfort, not for table,” she said. She crossed her arms as if she had determined who would be the buyer.

“How much is it?” I asked. She named a price Maria could not afford. It was worth it, to be sure, but even I did not want to pay such a price for a shabby piece of cloth. But, I did. Maria watched the old woman’s gnarled, thick fingers delicately fold the cloth into careful, equal sections. The woman wrapped the cloth within tissue and presented it to me as if I had won some great contest.

I accepted, paid and gave the cloth to Maria.

I never endeavored to be holy.

[ Yahoo! ] options

@tildeathdouspart.com

From: zackthemack@hotmail.com
Sent: Sun 1/12/08 9:10 PM
To: ariel1970@yahoo.com
RE: Tonight

There’s been a change of plans. My beloved wife is so tender and fragile these days, and though I do not deserve it, she has forgiven me, at last. Just last week she could barely look at me. Her speech brittle, words chosen painfully, as if we were in-laws, she talked around the weather, the day, but rarely directly to me. Weeks into therapy, Charlotte had not forgiven me our affair.

I emailed you last week because I wanted you. Living here then was like living here before—you. She was characteristically cold, distant. I was reminded often of you. Not of as you are, but of as you are not. The depths she went to avoid me attending all-day conferences and workshops–why a writer needs conferences, IDK–would have been funny, if it were not happening to me, to us.

But, tonight she smolders. Her short brown hair whipped around her face as she turned it this way and that. Her long, sensuous lashes could barely contain her almond-shaped eyes. I told you once of her passion, you accused me of missing her, you were right, of course. Tonight she bristles over a remark carelessly made.

“Is there milk in the macaroni and cheese?” I am lactose intolerant, a condition my wife had carefully planned meals around—along with allowing for my other allergies—but that I was afraid she had forgotten in my absence.

I wonder that you did not notice, but we seldom dined together, did we? Our entanglement had left her intolerant of my various calamities and so I had asked. Oh, but I am so glad to have asked, for then I realized her forgiveness was finally granted. The words that came out of her supple mouth, the articulate gestures of her long, slender fingers, the contortions of her beautiful golden, brown face, finally she is at ease with me again. I would kiss her bony hands gleefully, but to do so would be to admit I know she did not before forgive me. I would rather to mark this pass silently than to mark it in vain.

I, of course, cannot continue to see you, meet you, as we had planned.

From: zackthemack@hotmail.com
Sent: Sat 2/19/08 9:10 PM
To: ariel1970@yahoo.com
RE: OK

I have been ill these last weeks. Between conferences, Charlotte has taken up cooking with a vengeance rivaled only by Chef Ramsey, LOL. So vexed by my dietary limitations, she has decided to see exactly what I am allergic too, so as to strike a balanced medium for our meals. Breakfast, lunch and dinner are an array of possible intolerants. She tries so hard to please me in ways other women would not endeavor. I have worn a path from the couch (where I sleep so as not to disturb her) to the bathroom. I fear our carpet cannot handle more of her culinary intervention.

How is my girl?

From: zackthemack@hotmail.com
Sent: Mon 2/21/08 9:10 PM
To: ariel1970@yahoo.com
RE: Enough

Of course I will stop calling you my girl, as you are right, you are no longer my girl. Charlotte is the only girl for me. If only I had known before our venomous months of sex on your dented futon and all of that cheap, greasy affair food. Shiny packaged sandwiches from gas stations on the way to your cramped apartment. At least, Charlotte says, climbing six flights up that narrow stairwell (I am convinced echoes of our lovemaking still linger there) kept my body strong. Still, if I had not eaten all of that sleazy food for you, I would be spared the indignities of the weekly colon cleansing Charlotte says I now need to go along with the prune, fiber shakes she makes me for breakfast.

Thx–a lot.

From: zackthemack@hotmail.com
Sent: Sat 3/5/08 9:10 PM
To: ariel1970@yahoo.com
RE: What the hell?

Oh dear silly little one, of course Charlotte knows all about you. She does not know about your emails; though you must be more careful. A cell phone rang during dinner last night. I worried it was you. I dropped my fork with such a clatter I worried the plate chipped. Charlotte would have been furious as the plates were given to her by my mother, as was the house, and everything in it. A price for marrying me, sort of a dowry.

My nerves are so on edge that Charlotte has taken to making me drink a strong brew of teas and whatever else she read or heard will soothe me. She tries so hard. I suggested Charlotte stay home this weekend and spend it with me. The look in her eyes frightened me more than her silence. I immediately reconsidered. These weekly conferences, though I don’t see her write anything, keep her connected with other writers. The phone, of course, was not you. Charlotte has taken to whispering on the phone, no, to taking calls in other rooms and then whispering. I know because when she catches me cocking my head to listen, or tiptoeing behind her into the living room or bedroom, she sneers and sometimes growls at me. Worse, she will turn her back on me, talking as if I am not there, hissing into the phone.

She is everywhere.
BRB

From: zackthemack@hotmail.com
Sent: Tues 4/29/08 9:10 PM
To: ariel1970@yahoo.com
RE: What are you talking about?

I am dreadfully allergic to shellfish, tobacco and olives. Or, it makes a horrid dish. The concoction slithered around the plate, shrimp sliding under leaves, hiding within olives. They slid down my throat faster than I could chew them. Charlotte poised across from me the better to see my discomfort, watching every bite slip in to my mouth. She notices everything, forgives me everything or nothing at all. My insides, and I know because between vomit and diarrhea, I am forced to come face to face with what should be within my body, are rotting. I mean to rid myself of this poison. I will tell her everything, she will know everything. She will forgive me for she loves me so. Her deep eyes water as she empties the buckets I am forced to relieve myself in when I am too weak to get to the bathroom. She utters not a sound as she empties the buckets, when she is home. She spends more time at these conferences. They are spilling in to her work week so much that she had to quit work to devote her time to conferences. I married a writer. She is writing a mystery, it is not finished. She says I may not like the ending. I am sure it is good, I assure her, she has been writing for so long, has so much knowledge by now. Her lips puckered in a huge hard kiss, but she did not kiss me. We are not ready for intimacy: sex, words.

From: zackthemack@hotmail.com
Sent: Sat 5/18/08 9:10 PM
To: ariel1970@yahoo.com
RE: Leave me out of this

You are in it! She knows about us. The teas are working, loosening my bowels, my tongue. I am a babbling fountain of deceit, Charlotte says. She was slithering around the dining room, the bedroom, slithering and hissing in front of me. She has devised a menu of roots and berries, three times a day. I am an unattractive mass of adulterous rotting flesh. I do not know where Charlotte comes up with these things. But, they must be true. Thoughts flicker, anger, indignation, but they wither. Pride is hard to maintain when your stomach knots, cramps and releases in 60 seconds. She hates you less today than she did yesterday.

From: zackthemack@hotmail.com
Sent: Wed 7/2/08 9:10 PM
To: ariel1970@yahoo.com
RE: You’re as crazy as she is. May you both rot in hell

Thank you for the well wishes. Charlotte and I are doing frightfully well. Charlotte has ceased going to workshops. Her novel is finished. She lays up at night watching me sleep, I know because I wake often and she attends me. She has created the most delightful bitter, sweet tasting tea. My angel is just now fixing me another cup of this elixir. Goodbye forever sweet trollop. Tempt me no more!

[ Yahoo! ] options

Advice From an Infrequent Reader

This Friday, the Writer’s Center in Bethesda hosted an Open Mic Night for members and nonmembers. The reading drew a crowd of about twenty five people, most of them readers, a few were supporters: all were supportive, well almost.

Many of the readers were members, some were avid readers, some had not read in years and for some, tonight was their first reading. There was a pleasant sense of camaraderie and a surprising hint of animosity.

First, the camaraderie: All readings have etiquette.
1. Food and drinks were to be secured before the reading, during breaks, but not during changes in readers.
2. Cell phones were to be turned off.
3. People who did not adhere to item number 2 were to be immediately shamed by the turning of heads of all who had conformed and the silence of the reader. The ending of the shaming coincides with the reader’s continuation of the reading and the silencing of the phone.
4. No laughing during anyone’s reading, unless the writer waits awkwardly for said laughter or unless the line, word, look, tone, is supposed to be funny. Because I lack poetry skills, my cues are off. I did not laugh.
5. Relax
6. Enjoy yourself
7. Project your voice
8. Make eye contact (which is different from allowing your eyes to roam freely and I dare say creepily around the room)
9. Introduce yourself, these people don’t know you and even if they do—introduce yourself.
10. Please, do not introduce the piece. If it is important for listeners to know the piece is about your ex-boyfriend who deserted you on 695, dooming you to walk where no pedestrian should, as you learned the difference between the inner and outer loop: write about it (please). But, please do not tell readers this and then read a piece to which this knowledge is relevant or not relevant. If it belongs in the piece, put it in the piece.
11. When you like something about a piece, let the writer know. Encouragement is appreciated.
12. Please read your own writing.

Now to the animosity: I was surprised when a fellow reader approached my supporter and I to ask if we had come expecting to learn “to speak alien.”
“It wasn’t on the website,” I diplomatically replied.
I was equally surprised to learn he was not referring to his own poem.
“I could just kill him,” he said, slicked-back hair slicking.
“You’d have to write about it,” I joked, not certain he was joking.
“I wouldn’t really kill him,” he said, finally.

If only I were reassured.

Open Mic Night at the Writer’s Center in Bethesda offers a largely inviting atmosphere to listen to writers in various stages of their craft. The welcoming vibe, all-inclusive turn out, the support of fellow writers, the promise of snacks, and the free cost to participate, makes this venue a nice place to practice thesis readings while appreciating the community of writers wherever you find it.

[ Yahoo! ] options

My Audacity or Why I Write

Writing is an indulgence, a particularly self indulgent one. And so, if I’m going to indulge myself and ask that others come along for the ride, my writing needs to say something, to be about something, to give something in return. It needs to be a mutual relationship, an experience to rise above my need to merely indulge myself.
[ Yahoo! ] options

For the Sake of Our Daughters: A review of How to Cook Your Daughter

Seldom do I wander the pages of someone’s life and so intimately witness what my presence has cost. The privilege of intimacy is paid for by the writer. The cost can be exacted in currencies of privacy, friends, family, self-esteem, confidence, courage. How much is the story of my life worth? Am I willing to pay that price? How to Cook Your Daughter costs Jessica Hendra her privacy, her relationship with her father, and hopefully, her guilt. Within the pages of her memoir, Hendra unravels her life: the motivations behind her bulimia, anorexia, and her often destructive relationships. Incest expertly knots threads of guilt and shame into a jumble of insecurity, silence and anger. Writing this book allows Hendra permission to be angry with her father; and permission to let him go. Finally, Hendra sheds the vows of secrecy to which she is bound.

That’s not quite true. Hendra’s rape is not a secret. She tells friends, lovers, and therapists. She confronts her father on numerous occasions. She does not, however, find the same salvation Tony claims. Choosing to publish gives Hendra a voice. For Hendra, exposing her father means winding down the pathways of her past. It’s a rickety ride. But, it is necessary. According to Hendra, she must publicly confront her father in order to stand up as a mother. Hendra knows the repercussions: Tony’s denials, accusations and anger; the public’s intimate knowledge of her; the impact on her daughters. Still, she does something Tony won’t; she acknowledges he raped her, and that it is wrong. Writing her memoir takes a courage I wasn’t sure Hendra possessed. When we meet her, she is still vulnerable despite her roles as wife and mother. But she summons the courage to publicly challenge his “confessional” memoir.

Still, I have to ask if after 32 years it was worth it to publicly reveal her rape. And I have to answer, yes. According to Hendra, she doesn’t reveal the rape to attack her father’s selective memory. She tells the truth to establish truth in her family; to make truth the legacy she passes on to her children. She tells the truth because her father has denied his impact for too long.

It is a noble statement: if I choose to write a memoir, it will be for my children. I would like to think my memoir will serve as an entry to what defines me. But maybe not. For my memoir to act as a framework of my life, I would have to be dead. And to be honest, I would like to have all of my important conversations with my children the old fashioned way, while I’m living. I like talking with them, sharing with them, interacting: the language of parenting. But for when I’m not here, when all that remains are my words, I would like to leave a memoir. Still, it haunts me that my words will float without context or interpretation on slender pages turned by tear soaked –I am dead after all—fingers.

While my children provide a noble cause, I will have to write my memoir, for me. As a writer, I’m not sure what I take from Hendra’s work. What I take most from How to Cook Your Daughter is not as a writer at all: it is as a woman and a mother. Hendra’s childhood reminds me of the awesome responsibility of motherhood. Through Hendra’s experiences, I am reminded of the choices we make for those we love: of the obligation to make choices. I respect Hendra for writing How to Cook your Daughter for her daughters. I worry, that she could not write this for herself. But because of her systematic unfolding, because she reveals herself as a character rarely in charge of her own plot, I understand. While it may take me some time to realize the writerly benefit of How to Cook Your Daughter, I take what I need from it one page at a time.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Indecent Disclosure (or Dis-Clothes-ure): A Review of Self Made Man

There is something slightly disconcerting about Norah Vincent’s Self-Made Man. I am not unsettled by the lengths she goes to deceive people in to believing she is a man, but the lengths she goes to dispel them of this notion. The blurb on the book jacket claims Self-Made Man follows the traditions of Black Like Me. I beg to differ. Vincent alters her personality and identity to become Ned with the intention of building and studying his relationships. Griffin alters his skin color to study the actions and reactions of people based on their own perceptions. Vincent’s deceptions are for a book, she claims nothing less: While Griffins are for society. Perhaps the difference is one of degrees. How far will a writer go for a story?

As a writer, I have reservations about how far I am willing to go to create a story. I understand from Vincent’s qualifying first chapter that her intention to write the book is based on her curiosity and struggle with gender roles. Despite her summary conclusions at the end of each experience, I don’t buy that this experiment is not a more personal endeavor. The struggle I have is with disclosure, or the business of telling people you are writing about them as a part of your research: as you write. It’s self editing at its finest. Vincent deceives people, and then tells them about her deception. She studies their reactions to write about them. If the relationship alters after she tells them, she writes that too. Maybe it’s not that base. Maybe I don’t understand her sudden guilt, her sudden need to disrobe.

Something is happening to America. There is a return to honesty, to confession in relationships. And I, for one, do not like it. I am an avid believer and staunch practitioner of denial. I have never cheated on anyone, emotionally. I have never been compelled to tell any man anything other than what I wanted him to believe. And when I have been tempted, I find a conversation with myself typically cures my need to tell all. This is not the attitude I employ with friends and relatives, possibly because I don’t sleep with them. But to anyone I am physically bound, I am deceptive.

I have lied to boyfriends and husbands. Sometimes for their own good but mostly for mine. Relationships are based on such imperfections. So, I do not understand Vincent’s need to tell Ned’s bowling team, dates, brothers of the monastery and the self-realization group that she has included them in a textually crafted lie. What does she gain by hurting them? What do they gain by knowing the truth? For me to understand Vincent’s need to reveal Norah, I would have to recognize it as the hostile act I find it to be. I don’t see where one character, name changed to protect his identity, is better off by knowing of her deception. Many of her characters are bewildered and hurt when she tells them she is really a man. Supposedly most are relieved once she explains about the boo—I doubt that.

While I have issues with the lengths Vincent goes for this story, she reminds me that people are not characters. They don’t exist to enhance my narrative or to provide suspense or tension where none exists. I have fallen in to the temptation of viewing myself as the author of my own novel. That view provides me the ability to make choices, to view possibilities, to rewrite endings. It also allowed me the audacity to view people as characters, replaceable ones at that. My memoir, if I choose to write it, will represent people, events, lessons and experiences and I’ll write it when I’m ready. I won’t ask permission of those whose narratives intersect with mine. But, I won’t deceive people for the sake of enhancing my own story.

[ Yahoo! ] options

On Black Like Me

I can not count how many times I finish reading a passage, only to realize I have been holding my breath. I can no longer recall how often my eyes well with tears as a conflict unfolds. I can not remember how often a smile creeps across my face at the vision of a carefully crafted scene. But, I will not soon forget the feelings inspired by John Howard Griffin’s Black Like Me. Through details, setting, language and tension, Griffin has created a narrative that reaches beyond his experiences as a white man with black skin to the experiences of black and white American History. Griffin exposes the side of history that fades the otherwise crimson, virginal and bold colors of our country’s flag. He embarks on a racial research endeavor that teaches him more about himself and more about people in general, than he expects to learn. What unfolds for me is both historical and intimate. The pages breathe.

Seldom do we discuss race. Griffin takes us in and out of the homes of our black and white neighbors. He moves physically and mentally closer than I have been to people of either race, and does so in glimpses that feel more like meals than mere mouthfuls. He is often in the awkward position of justifying the actions of the characters he encounters: Griffin reveals people. By capturing people within their social, political, ethical and racial surroundings, he is able show them as meaningful characters—while not (often) undermining their intentions. Griffin shows us people in their own elements and for the most part, let’s them sink or swim in their own words. Griffin’s is an interesting experiment. I don’t know that I am a skin color away from my neighbor. I don’t think I consider skin color as the only aspect of what defines me as a black woman. As Griffin learns, people exist outside of their skin color. They conform to circumstance and opportunity, they respond to fear and succumb to hatred.

When I write, I write from the vantage point of my experiences and perceptions. Griffin certainly starts with the self. He doesn’t end there. As a writer, I appreciate Griffin’s examples of launching with the self and moving through history and culture in a way that includes political, economical, social and racial perceptions, experiences and motivations. And, Griffin, like no other nonfiction writer I have read, uses the elements of fiction to create an historical nonfiction narrative in a way that saddens, infuriates, and inspires me. Griffin uses the overarching natural tension between black and white and the tensions that exist between his travelling from one realm in to the other to create moments that I will endeavor to duplicate. Suspense slips upon me even at times when I have all the details and know all of the characters. I find my breath catches at the thought of Griffin being harmed or revealed. That tension takes talent to maintain: and Griffin has it.

I am revitalized by this work. Through details, sensory observations and imagery, Griffin pulls you in to uncomfortable images, and makes it impossible to turn away. Griffin’s language and style set scene after scene of despair while not sacrificing the beauty of language: “A burned-out light globe lay on the plank floor in the corner. Its unfrosted glass held the reflection of the overhead bulb, a speck of brightness (page 69)” I can feel the overwhelming weight of gloom chronicled within page after page. Yet, Griffin sprinkles humor where humor is due. The text is balanced.

Reading this work, this topic of race as experienced from someone who knows he is no different black than he is white, offers a perspective I seldom think on. While racism is still a reality, this narrative captures experiences I seldom heard from my grandparents. I rarely glimpsed them as victims. My soul is left whole though bruised from the reading. Griffin has created a work that feels intimately close to him and to history. He brings us closer to the psychology of racism and perhaps face to face with our own psychology. I am so thankful to have read this work. Its language gives me hope for my place in literature teetering as I do between the worlds of fiction and nonfiction. I don’t aspire to change the world with my writing, at this point I can only aspire to change me.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Double Talk: A Review of Double Down

Somewhere someone, maybe not even a writer, has figured out the precise point where all memoir should begin. And somewhere someone else has figured out no such point exists. It should be easier to begin a memoir. If a memoir is about an experience, it would seem logical to begin at the beginning of the experience. But because experience exists within context, such beginnings aren’t really beginnings, are they? I was pleasantly surprised when the brothers Barthelme began Double Down not in the crib, but in their days of maturity, a few slender pages before they discovered their addiction. I enjoyed the brief introduction and the plunge to the present. Throughout most of the memoir, the narrative is conversational, the tone unhurried. While the pace is steady (not rhythmic) the chorus of “we” unhinges me every time. Still, from the beginning, something about the language has me interested as a reader and as a writer. By entering Double Down on the edge of the authors’ experience, I am intellectually, though not emotionally, vested in the characters—to a point.

As a writer, I have to know where the narrative leads. Before that, I worry about where to begin. Opening too far before the center of the experience may reveal more than I intend. Opening later may give me the opportunity to add color to otherwise shaded narrative. Opening too late means I have to double back and fill in spaces to bring the reader to the point of the narrative. Maybe there is no one way to begin my memoir. While I like the sense of starting it where the experience begins, the problem is separating the experience from its context. The Barthelme’s choice to begin the narrative just before their gambling spree feels like the perfect beginning. And maybe it is the best choice for this story, but because the narrative takes such a repetitive, almost obsessive turn, it feels like the problem stems from the opening chapter. To create context the narrators often revisit the same event or thought. It feels as if there is no theme, no solid ground. There is an undercurrent in the narrative that carries the “I blame my father” stream a bit too far. Instead of rushing in to the past, the brothers choose to back in by sharing glimpses of their parents and glances of other characters. From there, they delve deeper in to their mother and deeper still in to their father. Finally, as they reach the height of their gambling, they point out, again, that they blame their father for their belief that nothing is, for them, impossible.

By starting the narrative as they settle in to Hattiesburg, they risk the readers’ sense of direction and time. Switching between the gambling scenes and the non-gambling scenes, I often lose track of when things are happening and how much is at stake. There is something to be said for the linear narrative. Specifically, the narrative often travels between their father’s death to the casino floor, and back. I lose track of how getting charged for attempting to cheat a casino is a significant period of their life. More than that, I don’t get the sense they realize how significant this event could have been. It seems they chalk it up to an experience, a warning to fellow academics. While they do eventually stop gambling, it is, according to them, because the magic is gone. There is no warning: don’t risk more than you can lose; don’t lose more than you can risk. Instead, there is the warning: don’t expect too much of your kids. God forbid they live up to your expectations. I am disappointed because I have a suspicion that the memoir is not complete. Double Day does not live up to its ambitious beginning.

I haven’t given up on the idea of starting a memoir at the moment before the experience unfolds. No matter where I enter, I need to be sure to fill in relevant information and to return to the narrative. Most importantly, I need to decide where my memoir begins.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Humor on the Rocks: A Review of The Tender Bar

Despite what I know as a reader and a writer, when I think of memoir I think of revealing journals, reflective diaries, intimate letters and scandalizing intimacy: no more, no less. I think of memoir as a label as necessary as “scrapbooking”: both are terms used to define something as simple and as complex as our primal need to understand and to be understood. But as far as labels go, when I hear them I tend to dismiss them reflexively. Like other memoirs introduced this semester, The Tender Bar refuses to be dismissed. On the surface, in The Tender Bar, Moehringer blends the story of his attempts to replace his absent, alcoholic father with his attempts to plant himself among the ever-present alcoholics of Publicans (formerly Dickens) bar. But it doesn’t stop there. Within the pages of Moehringer’s cocktail, the search for identity mixes with thick layers of responsibility, love, success and defeat. The combination is intoxicating.

With a distinctive voice, Moehringer introduces the hand he is dealt: a struggling, single mother; an emotionally and financially stingy grandfather; a loving, verbally abused grandmother; a gaggle of cousins led by a harpy of an aunt; and an alcoholic, gambling somewhat neurotic uncle. He offers no visions of grandeur, few explanations and even fewer excuses. Yet, in this reflective essay, Moehringer offers the reader the wonderful gift of humor. Humor laces his struggle to protect his mother; his attempts to forge an identity among the men of his life; his challenges at Yale; his first attempt at seduction and his first entanglement with love. While an underdog worthy of Uncle Charlie’s infatuation, JR’s humor is what hooks me. I wince when JR’s father stands him up, the first time. I laugh through his bookstore education. I understand Dorothy’s intricate relationship with poverty. I exhale as JR finally reads Yale’s acceptance letter (though I know it will come). I cheer when JR finally frees himself from Sidney (though I am quite surprised he gets her at all). And when he seemingly breaks the New York Times tradition of not promoting copyboys, I exalt: that is until they don’t offer him a reporter job (yet). I celebrate his every triumph. Of course, his descent in to alcoholism is disturbing, but he reveals it with humor and I know Moehringer will be just fine.

Moehringer’s humor is not self-deprecating. He laughs at himself and at others, he laughs at his choices and at his actions, and he laughs at his expectations and illusions. I’m so busy laughing along with him that I don’t feel myself reeled in completely until he presents his mother with the Yale ring. I am so proud of this kid until he, as his coworker says, “fucks up” again. Moehringer keeps few secrets from his readers. While I am not surprised that he gets in to Yale; gets Sidney (ok I’m surprised that it happens at all not by the presentation of it); gets his heart broken; and gets an eventual position at the Times, I don’t doubt them in the way I might if they had not been carefully set up. There seems to be no haphazard occurrence, Moehringer leaves nothing to chance. By the time a more mature, sober Moehringer revisits Publican’s, I recognize what he has paid to come back: he has shown me.

Moehringer’s realization that he has in his mother what he has been searching to recreate in others, is one of the greatest gifts I receive from his memoir. I appreciate the tying of loose ends, the sense of closure. I recognize that my reading his memoir is as important to Moehringer as his writing it. So, as a writer I receive two lessons from The Tender Bar. First, it is important to be able to approach myself and the characters in my life with humor. Humor adds my tone, my voice to my experience. If what I put on the page doesn’t sound like me, it isn’t worth saying it. Secondly, I learn that lessons, like experiences, are to be shared. So perhaps through this memoir, I have learned to define memoir, and by extension my need for it. More than a collection of snapshots and experiences, memoir is the sharing of lessons. It is the chronicle of where emotionally, mentally and physically I am and of what I paid to get here.

[ Yahoo! ] options

On A Gathering of Old Men

If I had to sum up A Gathering of Old Men in 65 words or less, I’d say: Charming, seemingly simple, straight forward, unflinching, direct language used to describe, relate, show, tell, lead and allow readers to glimpse racism through the eyes, hearts and souls of fifteen narrators struggling to escape a point in time that so happens to be in Louisiana in the 70’s but is so widespread as to have been almost any where decades, years, months or weeks before.

Several things strike me as being notable about Gaines’ A Gathering of Old Men, mainly the narration, the dialogue, and the subject. A few weeks ago, a classmate mentioned they felt writers cheated by writing about emotionally charged issues like racism, but I have to disagree. Topics like racism have been written about from almost every imaginable angle in both fiction and nonfiction so the idea is not necessarily to right a wrong or write a wrong; but to make people care, to touch them so that they can learn something from it, feel something from it: that’s writing, and with A Gathering of Old Men, Gaines has done it. I have to admit being intrigued by the subject matter made me eager to read the book; racism and oppression always stir emotions in me so I expected the book to be easy enough to read through. Yet I wasn’t quite planted in the book from page one. There were a lot of characters for me to get to know and not a lot of time to get to know them, the rhythm of the book, perhaps helped by the short chapters, simple (yet complex to duplicate) dialect and short sentences with very little poetic imagery and even less metaphor kept me whirling and interested, but not emotionally vested. That came much later.

The way Gaines presents characters is astounding. Take Janey, when I meet her through Snookum and Miss Merle, one of the first things I know about her is that she has pride in her work, “But I knowed Janey woula killed me if she even thought I was thining ‘bout coming in that yard,” (p.8) I know this because Snookum tells me and because Gaines shows Jack and Bea as being removed from the present, would they know if Snookum was in the yard? She also has respect for other people and their titles and expects children to be respectful: she expects Snookum to call Candy, Miss Candy and Lou, Mr. Lou. This is a bit sketchier than it appears on the surface. As I am writing I find myself wondering if she doesn’t correct Snookum when he says Mathu and Beau because they are black and Cajun or because she is in shock, and her composition is rapidly deteriorating. Through her own eyes I learn that she is spiritual or at least that she calls on the Lord an awful lot in times of trouble, and I didn’t get the impression that those are the only times he hears from her. I also learn that she is persistent and responsible, at any moment she could have stopped trying to call Lou and Miss Merle, but she doesn’t give up. Despite the strength of her religion, Miss Merle shows Janey’s faith as faltering when she orders her to give her the names of people who don’t like Fix, but to me that also shows her intelligence. She knows she can trust Miss Merle, but she knows her well enough to know that trust has a point.

I learn much more about Janey and the other characters through their eyes and through the eyes of the characters around them but more importantly I learn a lot about them from what they don’t see, and that’s when I learn to care about them: after knowing their wants and needs, their limitations and dreams, their mannerisms and actions, all of a sudden and all at once I know them. Gaines shows characters through their dialogue, their motivations (not just motives), through their triumphs and losses, revealing them from the inside out and thus humanizing them, planting them firmly in their world.

I was interested in the subject matter from page one, but I cared about the characters from page 29, while watching Mat and Chimley decide to risk life for the possibility of LIFE, and I cared not just for the overall outcome of the story but for the outcome of each character. I imagine Gaines has a chart listing each character with their wants, needs, motivations, desires, history, skin color, tragedies and triumphs so that at any point I believe he knows more than he is sharing with the readers, as if there is more behind the curtain, and as a reader I appreciate that and as a writer I strive for it. I realize a story flows more fluidly when I know more about my characters, when I take time to chart their motivations, I have their guidelines and I can place them in situations and have them act based on their character, or in spite of it. I realize I need to work on distinguishing my characters from one another, as Gaines does, with dialogue, tone and attitude. I want to create stories people can care about, can get vested in and a good place to start will be my chart of characteristics. The first step for building a believable character, is believing in them myself, from there I can take them anywhere.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Wish I Could be Anywhere but There: A Review of “Wish I Could Be There”

My intention was to write about Shawn’s choice of structure. But, I can’t. To discuss the structure, I would have to discuss my aversion to it, my inability to concentrate on anything more than a superficial level on topics of medical intimacy. It is a response that overcomes me often in conversation and to my surprise when breached in text. I tend to “tune out” during conversations pertaining to medical ailments, recovery, accidents, and treatments. I find it impossible to focus; impossible to choose to engage in these conversations. Only for my children will I actively experience the discomfort of such discussions. For all others, I listen, or appear to, while concentrating on something, anything, else. I do not endure the enclosure: their despair confines me. It is not a phobia. I do not require, like Shawn’s father, a shroud of protection from all things yucky. I acknowledge broken bones, reset noses, cancer. But something about these brushes with medical imperfection or mortality causes my mental retreat. Unlike Shawn, I do not seek to analyze this. It is something that limits neither my enjoyment of the world nor the world’s enjoyment of me. It is merely something that is.

Yet, because of my aversion to all things medically intimate, I find I cannot engage on a meaningful level with those portions of Shawn’s text that are not narrative. In the narrative I see Shawn and his parents interact (or not) and I know my judgments are skewed. I am taking the information Shawn chooses to show (dialogue, responses, actions) and not fully acknowledging the information he chooses to tell (medical evaluations, hypotheses, analysis). The psychological and physiological citations, explanations and justifications are meant to provide access in to the Shawn’s psyche, to provide causality. I find this dissection painful. Through narrative, I visit and revisit Shawn at certain experiences in varying perceptions. I then revisit (or feel as if I do) the same situations psychologically or biologically. So that I am repeatedly thrust uncomfortably close and my mind rejects it and retreats.

Shawn’s choice to infuse his memoir with the analysis and theories of others seems a way, as he claims, to present his life abstractly so readers can identify but not blame him for choices. It also feels, as he also admits, to be an incomplete account. Because of language, voice and the limited amount of events actually covered, this account, which he likens to the overlapping sections of the brain, is complete with many sections of grey. But, I wonder if there isn’t more to it. I don’t get a sense of the writer on the page. I get a sense of his humor, his struggle with his phobias and the accomplishments he makes through his narration but not throughout the text.

Perhaps I would find it comforting if he had reached a point where he actively takes charge of his own life. Still, I have to appreciate Shawn’s honesty in admitting the scope of the text. In the foreword, I am able to appreciate the painful process of subjecting yourself to textual analysis and the courage it takes to do it. As a writer, from this text I take away the need for courage and for strength. If I was able to face (though not overcome) my aversion to medical intimacy by reading Wish I Could Be There, I’d like to think he at least came to terms with his phobias by writing it.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Does the Thought Even Count?

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

I wished I could take the words back as soon as they left my lips. How shallow they sounded from my vantage point of dry earth and warm clothes, security. My newly made friends in Iowa could be watching their houses, businesses, cars colliding in a rush of water, mud, and other people’s memories.

“Is there anything I can do to help?”

What I meant was can I send something that is suddenly in low supply, something dry, anything dry. How the postal service would deliver them was anybody’s guess but to not offer, seemed barbarian. I should have explained in a flood of intentions, emotions, concrete suggestions, but hadn’t they had enough of a deluge already? What do we do when suddenly cast in such a role?

You help, you offer, and you mean it. So maybe I wasn’t so crass, so shallow as the words sounded to my ear. Perhaps when recovered in the drenched voicemail box of a soggy cell phone, or dried from a rusted email account, the words will be the branch they were intended to be.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Licensed to Kill

One weekend I went to a gun range to shoot, well, sort of.

I went to shoot and get certified to do, well that I wasn’t quite clear about. So, I got to the class, late. My friend, another single mom, which may have explained the low cut blouse (the lone female instructor made a point of telling her not to shoot a semi-automatic because the brass would burn between her breasts…awkward?) was already there, and when I walked through the door her face lit up, it’s so sweet to have friends like that. But why she was so surprised to see me when the instructor and she spent ten minutes on the phone giving me directions (until my Sprint network lost signal) is sort of weird, but still. So, she turned and waved when I came in and everyone turned and so I had to smile. They ushered me in so I could sit next to her, near the front. Everyone saw, heard, or felt me come in.

What I got from the class were the three basic rules of handling a gun: never point the gun at anyone you aren’t going to shoot, never load the gun unless you are going to shoot and something else about the gun or shooting. The instructors went over some basic parts of some guns and they were ready to certify.

They asked if anyone now, after having watched the video, wanted to get certified. A few hands went up, mine didn’t. So after the presentation I asked when I could see the next video, I was told it would be during the next class, probably in an hour or so, that was fine with me. But I could fill out the application now, ok that was fine, then the other instructor filled it out and before I knew it was I certified.

Ummm….ok, so then they wanted the class to go out to eat at the picnic tables…ok, I didn’t actually register for the event. When I breezed past the people at the Juneteenth registration booth, it turned out I was supposed to register for there. They didn’t know, I didn’t know or they didn’t know I didn’t know. So I had to back track and register (though I was already certified).

My friend and I ate, most of the food was good, some of it was…It really doesn’t take that long to eat, the echo of gun shots has a way of making you eat faster. The sun, my impatience or–ok, probably my impatience–made us start asking at 1:15, how long before we started shooting. “Oh, in about 15 minutes,” one person said, “probably in 30 minutes,” answered another.

“At 2 o clock,” replied the instructor absently, as if I had no place else to go and nothing else to do but wait for the group to finish eating. Have I mentioned I arrived by myself? So, by 1:24 I was in my car, certified to purchase a gun in the State of MD based on a video I never saw and a gun I never held.

Did it ever occur to them to ask why I needed a gun?

[ Yahoo! ] options

The Diner in which I Find Myself

It is a brightly lit (green, pink, yellow) house, a shack perhaps but because the last time we were here she said I was bourgeois (bourgie to be exact), I really can’t say it aloud. Though I am afraid to touch, the walls look sticky, like tangy strips of melting candy. Toys are everywhere; she says, pleasantly, the décor reminds her of the house in Toy Story, the bad kid’s house.

I don’t disagree.

Star Wars, Pez dispensers, it is like a flea market. I have always hated flea markets. I study the menu to avoid the tightening in my throat, I am almost 5’8 and if I sit up straight, the table almost reaches my neck. If I slouch, the table reaches my chest. If I lean back, legs stretched and twisted before me, I look ridiculous. There is no comfort to be found. It reminds me of a grandmother’s kitchen I tell her, not my grandmother’s kitchen, because my grandmother could cook. So, it’s like a neighboring grandmother’s kitchen. One with salty cookies and sour milk—the ones to be avoided.

Six creamers and six sugars later, the coffee still tastes like coffee. I drink a cup of coffee every day, but I don’t think I actually like it. I am addicted to French Vanilla Crème and can be quite bitchy when I haven’t had any. I have had two cups today so my mood is inspired by this diner in which I find myself.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Nikki Giovanni: Telling Tales

They come in twos, threes and sometimes fours, ushering, strolling, sauntering past those of us worried about such things as being on time, getting a good view, hearing a damn thing. They slide down cool metal bleachers, down neat shiny rows, sliding tighter than socially acceptable and just like that, they are us. We are a congregation of older women with smooth, mahogany skin; younger women with flesh the color of chestnut; children painted a baked-apple brown; a sprinkle of men like brown sugar on toast. We are textures and hues of varying shades of brown, though mostly we are categorized as black.

There are perhaps 150 distractions in Pavilion 4: the lull of chlorine waves; the splashing of dolphins, the whiff of salt water on their skin; the ceremonial symphony of cell phones being turned off; the soft shushing sounds of new books crinkling, flipping, turning. Perhaps the most startling distraction is the hum, the utter energy required to appear to wait patiently. We talk, we laugh, we smile at the children. Perhaps we wonder why children are here in the first place. The children seem almost as restless as the dolphins the National Aquarium’s Rosalyn Stewart worries will upstage Nikki Giovanni during her lecture for Women’s History Month—they won’t.

Giovanni is the second speaker of Celebrating Poetry, Prose and Praise, the Aquarium’s 2008 Women’s History Month celebration. According to Stewart, the aquarium’s community relations coordinator, the event honoring women is part of the Aquarium’s Cultural Heritage Series. The series includes programs to engage the community in Black History Month, Latino Heritage Month and International Day. Stewart is enthusiastic about giving back to the community. By tying in community programs with the Fridays After Five lower entrance fee program, her department is hoping to encourage more people to attend. While the event is nowhere near reaching the room’s 1200 capacity, Giovanni won’t seem to notice, neither will anyone else.

Giovanni approaches the room with a laugh, baseball cap worn backwards. She greets the Hokies first. A trill-like call and response: she calls, they respond. She laughs and a deep cadence fills each empty seat. Hokies unite! She greets the rest of the congregation. Most of us have never met one another, let alone met her, yet there is a familiarity amongst us. She is wearing the New York Yankees baseball cap in Baltimore because the Yankees embraced Virginia Tech after the shooting. She laughs; the sound is rich, genuine, vigorous. She wastes no time on implications, leaving you to wonder if the Ravens reached out to the Hokies; leaving you to wonder if any among us lifted a hand. But, she doesn’t talk about that. The Yankees, for lack of a better word, will play the Hokies in a baseball game. She clarifies; the Yankees will crush the Hokies in a baseball game. But, that of course does not matter, what matters is the relationship, the rebuilding of the Virginia Tech community, the restoration.

Giovanni loves the Ravens. But, “if that boy”, she says, “in that game had of been white…” Laughter confirms what she already knew; there is no need to continue the sentence. Still, she asks “how do you call pass interference on the 8 damn yard line?” We laugh. Some of us laugh because we know what she means. Others laugh because Giovanni is perhaps an inch over 5 feet if you include her tightly-curled black and silver hair; she is a dapper 64 in her black pant suit, black and white blouse, blue-stoned pin sparkling in her lapel; and her southern mannerisms and rapid succession of laugh, pause, anecdote, leaves you a bit unsure you heard her right in the first place. She tells stories and laughs. Maybe you laugh along, and maybe you know, as certain as you know anything else, the words and the laughter don’t mean the same thing.
Giovanni gives us the words because she’s a story teller, it’s what she does.

It’s 2008 and the anecdotes of yesterday are still the realities of today. If you believe it, the laughter is for you. There are those of us who have lived the past 10, 20, 36 years blissfully denying, avoiding, ignoring the issues of race. We have heard murmurs of racism in hushed whispers and ignored them, maybe we had to. Tonight, we can’t. The laughter eases the taste of the uncomfortable coincidences we have been diligently avoiding. It feels somehow like a deception, like sweet liquor. We know Giovanni is political; she is a lyrical call to action. She is, as she is introduced, “a Black woman, lover, mother, teacher, and poet.” She appears before us not as one of these beings, but as all of them.

So it seems somewhat appalling to be held, a willing captor to this rhythm, to this story, but no one walks away, perhaps no one else wants to. Giovanni says what she wants to say, she apologizes for it, but she says it. She talks about race and football, race and rules, race and cheating. While she is talking she says, “I shouldn’t be saying this,” and “I shouldn’t mention that, but it’s a Friday night.” And, she says it. Would you expect a woman who says, “if I can’t do what I want to do, then my job is to not do what I don’t want to do,” to not say what she wants to say?

Her voice deepens and she talks about “Rosa,” her children’s book about Rosa Parks. She says, “I don’t mean no disrespect to Ray, but…” Again, it’s the implication, the pause properly applied. But she wavers, reminding us that, “weak men don’t marry strong women.” Giovanni explains each page in detail, explaining what Bryan Collier, the book’s illustrator, wants the reader to notice on this page, on the next. But, speaking of Bryan, Giovanni points out the newspaper Rosa is reading on the bus, the Emmett Till headline. “Bryan wants you all to know…” she says. There is a call for anger as she describes the characters in Till’s murder, sets the scene, the tone, the setting. She may make you cry and make you sad that it can still make you cry, or angry, or disappointed. She may remind you that it hurts to respond.

But, it will remind her of Mrs. Parks, her friend for over 20 years, and how she must have felt when she politely refused to give up her seat on a bus. Giovanni tells us the story about Mrs. Tate, the bus driver’s wife, and how reporters told her that Giovanni was happy Tate had died. She finds it curious that they would interpret what she did say, “Oh, another one bites the dust…uhn,” as her being happy. But, she does not apologize for the miscommunication, only for letting the media goad her in to saying anything at all. She is tired, she confides, “of black people having to carry the burden of forgiveness,” or having to pretend to carry the burden. Tate chose to correct Giovanni by explaining her husband was simply a “man of his time.” With a fever barely confined, Giovanni explains she makes hundreds of mistakes, many “worthy of correction.” But, she would not, she explains after sharing the markers of men of the 17th, 18th and 19th century as they related to slavery, racism, the Holocaust, and human trafficking, “be corrected by Mrs. Tate” nor would she expect any man to endeavor to be remembered as a “man of his time.”

Giovanni summarized the Alabama boycott, “It started by one woman who said no, one woman who said yes, and then the men come in singing, ‘here I come to save the day…’ When she is finished not reading “Rosa,” she asks, pages already flipping, if she can read a poem. Perching her gold-rimmed glasses on her nose as she speaks, the links of the chains swaying as she reads, hands pointing, her voice lyrically lilting, climbing, falling, faltering as the microphone fades in and out, in and out. She doesn’t seem to notice. There is a rhythm. She weaves history, black history, women’s history, our history. We lean forward, stretched in silence until her voice fades, until she turns to walk away, until the story ends. Giovanni calls, and this time, all of us respond. “God is good,” she calls, “All the time,” we respond. And one by one we part, a congregation, a choir, a group of black women perhaps a little more certain who we are.

[ Yahoo! ] options

A Solution That Makes Sense-A Plan to Save Baseball from a 9th Inning Fan

It takes an O’s fan to ignore season predications, the rumors that Angelos just doesn’t care and the evidence that other fans don’t. It takes an O’s fan to discredit the statistics from the last ten years, the last season, heck, the last O’s game. It takes an O’s fan to find the optimism in the inexperienced, over-experienced and just plain poorly experienced O’s roster and their kaleidoscope of medical injuries, drug allegations, and legal problems. If you still have your season’s tickets after watching them do opening day what they will undoubtedly accomplish many times this season, if you still believe the O’s have a sliver of a chance at a good season, if you still live in Maryland, then have I got a deal for you.

Reality aside, if we consider each of Maryland’s 5,615,727 residents a fan, together we can raise the $360 Million the Major League Baseball Association promised to pay Angelos for the Baltimore Orioles. Granted, some realists have the O’s slated to finish this season in last place. But, if they can overcome their past, their roster, and their lack of confidence in one another, themselves and their management, the O’s can salvage the season. Even if they don’t, whether they lose every other game or each remaining game consecutively, Angelos is guaranteed $360 Million, at least, when the team sells. With that sort of guarantee, Angelos doesn’t have to care if the O’s win or lose. And, there are many who say he doesn’t.

So does he.

Just days before the game, Angelos was asked how his team would do on opening night. Angelos was overheard saying he didn’t care. Maybe he was joking. The decisions he has allowed or executed say otherwise. Gently put, the O’s haven’t played well in at least ten years and as a team, they don’t inspire much reason to think this season won’t be a tragic reminder of the last. Forbes blames Angelos, the fans blame Angelos, the players blame…well one another, the fans and possibly (though would they really admit it publicly?) Angelos. We can’t fire the team; well maybe we could gift them to another state but who wants to do that and who would have them? We can’t trade all the good players, that’s already been done. We can’t just fire the coaches, staff, and administration, well we could. Perhaps we can avoid a baseball coup d’état (complete with replacement management, players and if necessary, replacement fans) the old fashioned way, one dollar at a time.

Using the 2006 Census as a starting point, for a mere $64.10, each Maryland resident regardless of gender, age, income, and more importantly regardless of fan status, becomes equal owner of the team. From there, and this idea comes straight from O’Malley (well sort of), Marylanders can expect yet another tax increase, but this one will cover the annual operating revenue for salaries, stadium maintenance, and administrative support. At some point our state’s underrepresented population, the census dodgers and commuters, the illegal immigrants and the homeless population, will need to be addressed. Why not get that out of the way now? As Marylanders, these people have equal responsibility to the team. Their job, collectively, is to fill every seat, every game, home or away. And, to support every player, every game, win or lose.

If we’ve learned one thing over these past 15 years, we’ve learned that team ownership will not create instant appreciation for the art of baseball, the talent to create a team, or the desire to lead one. That’s where we call on democracy. If the American people are savvy enough to decide our nation’s next leader based on political past, or lack thereof, finely crafted speeches, and directed media coverage, then the people of Maryland can certainly elect the officials necessary to build a winning baseball team. Once elected, the business of hiring coaches, recruiting players and seducing talent, is up to Congress, I mean, the staff. Only, we may need to call the head coach and the assistant, the president and vice president. The team will be the soldiers. The fans, well these days we’ll consider them hostages, but in good times, they’ll be the citizens. With citizen support, our team won’t just play games, they’ll win wars. We aren’t just talking about building a team here; we are talking about rebuilding relationships. Relationships where coaches are held accountable to the team, the team is held accountable to the fans, and the fans are held accountable to the democracy of it all.

Under their current structure, the Orioles are perched to repeat the tumbles of seasons past. Marylanders, why should we wait until November 4 to choose our next leader? We are just $64.10 a piece away from becoming the next MLB super power. Mr. Angelos, maybe we can’t impeach you, but that doesn’t mean we can’t buy you out, one dollar at a time.

[ Yahoo! ] options

A Pep Talk for Multi-Taskers in Waiting

There is a rumor, no matter how innocent its intent, that you can’t have or be everything. Perhaps, this was started to spare those of us who are not gifted with the ability, commitment, time management skills, determination, resources, personality to do or be everything. But, to those of us who can—these words sound rather like excuses.

You most certainly cannot please everyone all of the time. Despite knowing this, there are those of us who plan weddings, parties, dates, with one meat, one poultry, one veggie selection and the advice that those for whom this menu does not appeal eat before they arrive.

Or, maybe that’s just me.

And while I said a mere moment ago that you can be anything (actually, I said you can have or be everything)—you can do it all, you know—I meant all things within reason, skill, resources, experiences, commitment (and, or the ability to obtain the reason, skill, resources, experience, commitment…). You can balance a family, your education, career, friendships, relationships and marriage (as a recent divorcee, don’t quote me) without losing your mind, sacrificing one relationship over the other, or lowering your expectations to include the possibilities of failure (I don’t count divorce as a failure).

As someone who is successfully balancing family, friendships, dating, working, grad school (recently graduated), writing: life (successfully may be up for debate but really, if you would care to debate it—feel free to start a blog), I know that I need to have competing deadlines, multiple projects, ongoing tasks.

I am a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a writer, a lover, a neighbor. I am a doer of many things, a keeper of many keys, a student of many teachers. Each role refreshes, restores and reawakens something in me, each provides me with something I need while allowing me to give something to another.

And, at the end of the day what do I need? I need the many roles, the many tasks, the many expectations to be fulfilled. I need the solitude and peace of knowing that today I have done all that I set out to do. I need to know that tomorrow promises a myriad of opportunities to succeed.

[ Yahoo! ] options

February 7, 2009

Dear Diary,

I spent today sorting out possibilities. Now that I’ve finished my last class, I don’t know what to do with all of the time I have without a deadline. I am so used to handling competing deadlines that I now have to create things to do. This should not be too hard seeing as now I have the pleasure of justifying my degree.

Today I should be writing and submitting something to a publication. But, I have some pieces from my thesis (that always sounds so juvenile) out to editors and I need to see how they fare before sending them to other publications. It seems self defeating to assume they are rejected and so, I wait.

I have researched numerous publications and there are many I would be honored to publish in, to those I look forward to submitting. There is a thread in that which I read that suggests I should be happy to publish anywhere and endeavor to write my way up the publication tier one rung at a time. And yet, I cannot start out with lowered expectations and call myself a writer.
Can I really submit something to a publication I would never read?

While I wait I look for traditional jobs, freelance jobs and writing opportunities in my spare time –when I am not being a mom, working full time or otherwise engaged.

I used to say, I just want to write. But, after reading job descriptions, posts and calls for submissions, I realize that is not at all true. I want to write what I want to write. I want to write psychological articles exploring character motivation and development; short stories succinctly dissecting relationships, features inspiring people to act, explore, question. I want to write things that matter to me. Advocating for the underrepresented population: children, minorities, whoever; getting information to people who best need it and who are then empowered by it; affecting change, those are the sort of pieces I want to write.

So, to revise that: I want to write something I would be proud to have published.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Selective Memories

Tomorrow I leave for Chicago. I miss my children today.

When my heart longs for them (which is whenever they are not around), it is the throaty voice of my 3 year old's Barack Obama impersonation: “I love you back,” that I hear. It is visions of my 10-year-old’s genuinely delighted smile and thoughts of my 13-year-old’s inherited wicked sense of humor that I imagine. It is the daughter, the son, the younger son, the hugs, the laughs, the cries, the learning, the responsibility, the love, the courage, the strength, the questions, the answers, the doubts, the fears, the dreams, the absolute awe of knowing everything and nothing—that I miss.

At these moments I forget the last rapidly escalating argument, the well-timed, ill-intentioned sharp remark to or from my 3 year old, or the lingering “…but, mom…;” “can I have,” or “but my friends are allowed to____” that often pepper conversations with these replicas I have spawned.

So when they—the other realities of parenting: the stress, the frustration, the disappointments—come tumbling towards me in a rush of he said, she said, he did, she did, he looked, she looked, I act swiftly to restore equilibrium. I imagine moments of solitude: libraries, beaches, cemeteries. I act, sometimes I over react; I laugh, sometimes a lot, I talk, often too much.

Hastily I work to restore equilibrium, with longing I ache for the storm to subside, at these times reality is somewhat glaring and shocking, until tempers again subside with a hug, a tear, a talk.

I am a thousand miles away (give or take) and in these vast moments of solitude (rare), I miss the good and the bad times, the complete concoction of motherhood with its not-so-subtle imperfections and its infinite complexities, undertones and underestimations.

While I miss my children immensely, it is selectively. I am not tempted, when given the opportunity, to “mother” a sick roommate, to plan group activities, to check-in or on stray roommates. I mother only those I give birth to.

Six days later I am back home.

It took far less time than I thought for us to fall into old patterns of stiletto voices and hockey-style scrabbles. My children are heading to sleep and I to deliciously horde moments of e-solitude and prose.

[ Yahoo! ] options

Chatty With Beattie (An Overly Long Overview)

The first word that comes to mind when considering Beattie is chatty.
I have encountered few characters who consider themselves and their surroundings, circumstances and pasts so completely and as often as those entombed in a Beattie short story.

In The Women of This World, a short story in Beattie’s “Perfect Recall” collection, we learn about Dale, her thoughts about her medical condition, her talent for cooking food she can not consume and for selecting drink for others that she can not indulge in. She considers everyone: her neighbor who ends up dying, her would-have-been father in law, her mother in law, her would-have-been-father-in-law’s soon-to-be-ex wife and her own soon-to-be-ex-husband. What she does not consider is her marriage, which is ironic because her husband (who seems to have very little going for himself) is considering leaving her.

I find some of the short stories of Beattie’s collections difficult, narratively, to follow. Beattie has a talent for, or an addiction to, slipping from character to character within the same paragraph. I find I appreciate knowing what different characters are doing, or why. I like the different angles of a story—I just prefer them in different paragraphs or chapters.

In Flechette Follies, a 100 page short story leading her 2005 collection “Follies,” my head begins to ache when Beattie introduces a police officer a page or two after the accident and by the next paragraph, “The driver of the car was Nancy Gregerson—Gregerson having been her married name. Her maiden name, not resumed after the divorce, was Shifflett. The town was full of Shiffletts…”

At this point, I am tempted to skip to the end. But, my curiosity leads me to read more. Why is Beattie significant and to whom? And, for whatever reason I like her, but while I’m reading her, I don’t know what it is I like, so I have to keep reading to figure it out.

Relationship conflicts seem to be a favorite theme for Beattie. In Cat People, a “Perfect Recall” short story, the narrator—who does not seem to have a job but does seem to have some sort of psychosis—is married to a painter who paints live models who according to the narrator: all “come to love” her husband,” (136). The couple is renting a house (transients seem to be another Beattie favorite). Next to the house they rent, there lives a couple for whatever reason trapped in a marriage of extreme compromises: she wants cats, he wants to kill cats. Love is never mentioned and neither is anything else that would make it likely that this couple would stay together—except her mental condition: Which is more pronounced than the narrator’s is. The narrator may not be insane, my proximity to all that she considers is.

In the stories I have read, very little is revealed through dialogue. The absurdities pile up in Cat People: brother and sister modeling in the pool while an old man paints them; fighting neighbors throwing things and cursing at cats; cat jumping through the hole in the fence over shooting the hole and landing in the pool; model acutely afraid of cats; cat circling the woman “like a shark” (138); woman getting hit in head with an apple; strings of her bathing suit breaking; police…it gets to feel like too much, too many hands in the pot, I mean plot.

I am thankful for the slim dialogue. It makes the stories feel genuine and less stifling. Her characters, like real people, say one thing and feel, think, experience another. But, in several of Beattie’s stories, the narrator, the omniscient third person or the talkative first person, knows and reveals what feels to be an exuberant amount of information, about everything.

Several of Beattie’s stories have paragraphs that span half the page, Flechette has one that spans the entire page (page 12) and another that spans the length of page 14. There are a lot of clues smashed into a Beattie paragraph, still, I stopped reading. But, while skimming the story, I begin to see the promises of psychology fulfilled. Wedged between Nancy’s reflections on her screwed up relationship with her drug-addict son, Nicky, and Lawrence aka George’s back story, there is a page and a half long paragraph that tells of Nancy’s brief marriage, miscarriage, potential annulment and eventual pregnancy (with the aforementioned loser): “She never slept with him again, though—as she suspected—she was already pregnant.” Lines like this, I think, continue to make Beattie formidable in contemporary fiction.

When skimmed, there is a tension in Beattie’s stories that is lost when read word for word. She seems to enjoy weaving her characters, bringing them close and then having them go their separate ways (but not, of course, before delving deeply into their circumstances) and bringing them close again: in that, it reminds me of Nevesky Prospect. I find the psychology most intriguing: the things her characters think, their motivations.

Other Beattieisms:
Unlikeable, self-absorbed characters—it’s almost refreshing to encounter stories where learning something about the human psyche, not liking the characters, is the motivation for reading—almost.

Avoids the obvious:

Beattie throws people together: the mother with the wayward and finally missing son with the spy/government operative…and while the obvious thing, at first, would be to have him find the son, by the time you finish digging deeply in their closets (they are both single) you imagine they will meet again for sex. But, no. They meet again to find the son. What is not obvious is that this professional, will be hit by a bus.

Influences:
Reading Beattie is similar to reading Mann, Roth, and (Sophie’s Choice): The narrative makes me textually claustrophobic. The experience of being too intimately acquainted with someone reminds me of the diaries—except, I liked those. Perhaps what is different is that since her characters are not necessarily going into mental descent, it feels cluttered. Not uncomfortably close because I learn their weaknesses, I expect that, but that there are so many weaknesses, so many external and internal conflicts within one short story that it feels outlandish, gothic and perhaps Gogolesque.

In a May 2005 Times review of “Follies,” David Means recognizes, “Beattie’s minimalist style, an extension of Hemingway’s technique of omission.” I didn’t quite see that. Means continues, “In her new collection, ”Follies,” Beattie struggles mightily to break out of a minimalist straitjacket she fashioned years ago. Sometimes she succeeds — a few of these stories are her strongest in years — and sometimes she does not.”

In their author bio, Barnes and Nobles compares Beattie to Carver: “Her stories, like those of minimalism’s famous poster boy (and Beattie’s good friend) Raymond Carver, are composed of simple, declarative sentences teeming with irony and finely observed detail; also like Carver, she is a nonjudgmental narrator, completely detached from her characters and their actions and meting out contextual clues to be interpreted by the reader.” This is true, sort of.

Themes:

New York
Key West setting
Adult themes (examples…chains, bike…bad-girl boots)
Counter culture
Fate, psychics: destiny as motivation for characters or a mechanism to draw characters together and then have them acknowledge and act on it.
Current events (pauses, but does not reflect, on)
Sex and sexuality
Marriage
Relationships
Compromise
Indulgence
Irony

Reviews: Beattie is consistently reviewed in the Times, though I have to say I read her work without prejudice (without reading the reviews), so I was surprised that they reacted much the same.

In 1976, J.D. O’Hara declares Beattie, [regarding the New Yorker]:“the best new writer to come down that particular pike since Donald Barthelme.” Of her first collection of short stories, “Distortions” the Times reviewer calls Beattie, the “artist of situations, not plots,” (Times) praising her ability to “renew for us the commonplaces of the lonesome lover and the life of quiet desperation.” What, to me, feels chatty and cumbersome in some of her other works, is hailed by O’Hara—in regards to Beattie’s first novel “Chilly Scenes of Winter” as: “the quietly elegant shape of its reporting.” (August, 1976).

Just over a week later, in another Time’s review of both “Distortions” and “Chilly Scenes of Winter” Anatole Broyard delivers my sentiment completely: “I have been trying to decide whether Ann Beattie’s stories are good, or only fashionable. After some painful–it was painful–deliberation, I came to the conclusion that they are both, but that she could, and ought to, make them better.

A 1997 Times review of “MY LIFE, STARRING DARA FALCON by the infamous Michiko Kakutani, also seems to successfully peg Beattie’s writing:

About the memoir within the book:
“This pathetic memoir, called ”My Life,” is unfortunately an uncanny mirror of Ann Beattie’s own novel, ”My Life, Starring Dara Falcon,” which similarly alternates between eye-glazing trivia and mind-boggling melodrama. Indeed Ms. Beattie’s novel embodies the worst flaws of her early and later fiction: the meaningless chatter and anomic cataloguing of the mundane that could turn her weaker stories into formulaic exercises in alienation, and the schematic narrative pyrotechnics that have made her less successful novels awkward and contrived.”

After relating how tedious the characters and plot are Kakutani compares Beattie’s characters to the issues Updike deals with, the result: “The problem here is that Ms. Beattie treats this conflict with the subtlety of Jim Carrey, turning her characters into caricatures and her story into a joke.”

Although not talking about the ending, Kakutani says: “Halfway through the novel, Ms. Beattie is resorting to symbolism so heavy-handed that she might as well have spelled out everything in italics for the reader and appended footnotes.”

While Beattie credits Kakutani’s review as the reason she no longer reads them, there was good news to be found in this review, mainly that not all of her work is received this way. According to Kakutani:
“This unlucky character isn’t the only thing to have disappeared from this novel. Nowhere to be found are the maturity and melancholy wisdom that have distinguished Ms. Beattie’s finest recent work. Gone, too, is the bright, glittering dialogue she could spin off with one hand…An ill-conceived experiment, ”My Life, Starring Dara Falcon” must surely mark a low point in this gifted writer’s career.”

It should be noted that a later work received more favorable reviews.

Interviews:
In her Folio interview.

On what makes a short story successful: “What makes a story successful for the reader is not necessarily what makes it successful for the writer…I think a story is successful if you really appreciate the shape of it, the weight, the clarity .

On graduate writing programs: “I have mixed feelings about writing programs, as I think most professors and students do. On a good day, when I’ve explained more about a student’s work than she or he knew and also come up with a solution for how to fix whatever problem I see (the smart ones rarely listen to exact advice, which is entirely right)…

On Past and newer (1998) writing styles: “I think a lot of the difference between my newer work and the older work is that I would have tried to imply some of those things before.”

On the very problematic matter of details: I think that [these details] are slightly tedious, but to some extent they have to be included for verisimilitude.

Similarities:
I write about relationships but I tend to leave a lot to the imagination or to interpretation. I am interested in the psychology of relationships, but not in showing a lot through back story. I am trying to find the balance between what I need to know and what readers need to know to get something out of each story.

Writers she has influenced:
According to Kakutani (Times, April, 2005), her style has inspired other writers in that it has “resulted in elliptical narratives free of authorial comment but filled with fistfuls of contemporary details and bright shards of dialogue.”

Like Bobbi Ann Mason, Beattie has been categorized as writing “Kmart realism.”

On endings, Beattie says: “want the reader to be haunted by what’s already happened, not by the last-minute fireworks, as it were.” [Regarding Follies]. I find her endings often unsettling. In Talk, the summary ending: Marie and Brenda, both at different, yet similar points in their narratives, see one another. In what Marie thinks is shame, Brenda pretends not to see her. The ending, the final forcing together of these two extremes, one living youth, the other perhaps reliving it, feels plotted. The ending: “she looks at Jacob, who stands hands-on-hips, jaw set, gazing with narrowed eyes after the drunken fools who could easily have hurt themselves, while the people on William’s substantial boat would have remained unscathed.” The point perhaps is that they are not unscathed; they only appear to be so. It is a conclusion reached before the narrative reaches it.

In, Cat People, the parrot –which escaped during the fiasco around which the story revolves—returns on its own: “It looked well, and seemed to be enjoying its freedom…I would swear that it winked. The moment it said ‘fifteen’ it flew away, having a more distinct idea than most of us when it should leave and perhaps even where it should fly (146).

The story goes beyond what feels like the natural ending. It reaches the point of summary the “in case you missed it…” Kakutani accuses her of in other stories.

What I am impressed with:
Beattie is everywhere.

Bio:

Born in DC in 1947, first story published: A Rose for Judy Garland’s Casket” in the Western Humanities Review in 1972 (Weber)

In 1974 “A Platonic Relationship,” The New Yorker. According to Folio interview, they had rejected 22 of her stories before publishing that one, and after that one, they published a slew of them. Attended graduate writing program at University of Connecticut.

Chilly Scenes of Winter (Novel) 1976
Distortions (collection) 1976
Secrets and Surprises 1979
Fall in Place 1980
The Burning House, 1982
Love Always, 1985
Where You’ll find Me: And Other Stories, 1986
Picturing Will, 1989
What was Mine, 1991
Another You, 1995
My Life Starring Dora Falcon, 1997
Park City, New and Selected Stories, 1998
The Doctor’s House, 2000
Perfect Recall: New Stories, 2002
Follies: New Stories, 2005
Follies for the New York Times, (Anthology) 2008

Also, many stories in the New Yorker (many short stories published), and journals like Ploughshares and Glimmer Train, as well as many anthologies.

Ann Beattie has published 16 novels and short story collections.

She has been included in John Updike’s Best American Short Stories of the Century and has received the PEN/Bernard Malamud Award for lifetime achievement in the short story form. (Simon Says)

“Her awards include one in literature from the American Academy and Institute of Arts and Letters (1980), Distinguished Alumnae Award (1980) and Honorary Doctor of Humane Letters degree (1983) from her alma mater, American University, and a Guggenheim Fellowship in 1980” (Weber)

Beattie has had books adapted in to movies: Chilly Scenes

Makes a living as:
Writer and Creative Writing professor at University of Virginia (as of 06)

What I have learned:
Endings: I often wonder on what note to end the story, it’s quite simple once I think the story through verbally.

On endings: end it at the end.

References

Follies; Perfect Recall, Talk (Ploughshares) and below links plus:

NY Times Articles
http://www.american.edu/cas/lit/folio/2006winter_inter.html
http://weeklywire.com/ww/08-24-98/boston_books_2.htm
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/writers/writerdetails.asp?cid=575090#biol
http://weberstudies.weber.edu/archive/archive%20A%20%20Vol.%201-10.3/Vol.%207.1/7.1Beattie%20Interview%20.htm

Swapping Family Tedium for Ruthless Narcissism

[ Yahoo! ] options

Forgiving

How far are we willing to go to give our children what they want?

So, my children want a larger family, it’s the same answer to a different question. They wanted a grandfather years ago, and I accommodated them, well I tried. I emailed, we talked on the phone once or twice, but the first time he wanted the children to call him grandpa or something equally as insane, I stopped all communications from our end, quickly, completely and deliberately.

They didn’t ask again.

Then my daughter started wanting to visit Philadelphia rather, our family in Philadelphia. I don’t know that I consider them family, but I called, we talked and as I tend to do, I lost interest. Today my daughter, barely stifling giggles, handed me the phone, “it’s your father,” she said voice hushed, loud enough for him to hear the appalling implications; “it’s your father.”

“Who?” I asked, not really because I didn’t believe her, not because I didn’t know who she was talking about, but because we don’t actually refer to him in those terms. I never have. Yet, she said it again, only because it amused her.

My mother divorced him when I was 4, I have only seen him a scattered amount of times since then. I’m sure there was a day I longed for him, don’t daughters do that? If there was, I don’t recall it with any certainty.

If I ever really wanted it, a father, wouldn’t I still want one today?

[ Yahoo! ] options

Confessions of a Recovering Bully

 am a recovering bully, which is to say as a child I was a bully and now that I know better, I am more conscience of my tendency to be a bully.

Of course, at times my old ways still crop up and serve me incredibly well, dealing with teachers, my children’s classmates, and various people I traipse in to on any given day. I am the mother who tells her children to tell the teacher if another child hits or bullies them. I am the same mother who tells her children if the teacher doesn’t do anything about it, you may have to hit the child–hard. I am also the mother who admits this to the teacher and to the other child’s parent if necessary.

I have been an aggressive driver (a condition I am also in self recovery from), an agitated shopper, an impatient colleague. I have been appeased, accommodated and allowed (by myself) to entertain this conduct when it serves me and to discard it when it does not. It is a process, a learning process and a slow process.

Yet I am in recovery, they say the first step to any recovery is recognizing the condition don’t they?

[ Yahoo! ] options

July 10, 2008

Slowing down our morning routine of rushing to the car, rushing to day care and rushing to work, my son and I slowed down to blow bubbles, and stop for donuts and coffee. The parking lot of 7-11 is typically a nightmare I ignore from my vantage point of the main street. Cars etch their way out hoping a motorist will take pity on them and let them out. Some days I do, some days I don’t. Today we eased in to a parking spot, I slid on his shoes and my 3 year old grabbed my hand chattering about his soon-to-come sugar dripping treat. Noah decided on a cinnamon coated donut. Picturing myself vacuuming brown sugar from my cloth interior weeks later, he ended up with a glazed donut.

“You have a beautiful mother,” a man in summer clothes, something noticed from my peripheral vision as I bent to hear Noah’s question.

“Mommy, did you hear what the scary monster said?” He asked, in his clear, concerned three-year old voice.

I have three children and yet I am always surprised by the things they manage to say that surprise me. I could ignore the question, and Noah fearing my loss of hearing, would say, repeat his question in his outside voice. So, I acknowledged it, without laughing, and said, “Yes, I heard what he said.”

Most days I would turn to the offended person and give a weak smile, a feeble look, a reassurance, he is a child after all, the look would say. But today I ignored the man. How rude, I had thought when the man spoke to my son. Perhaps manners are the things knights are made of

[ Yahoo! ] options

June 29

What happens when we stop pursuing our dreams?

The rink was filled with older people, ok old people gliding in a fog of nostalgia and memory. One man spins, in faded-blue denim jeans and baseball cap, tongue sticking out nearly touching his nose or in some other gesture that matches the grin, the lopsided, pleased grin stretching his face in to a mask of history. He spins in a uniquely feminine manner, hands on hips, bones poking outwards, knees bent (or appearing to be) twirling in what would be graceful arcs, if they were.

Another man, in baby blue jeans and short sleeve shirts, unremarkable save his Leif Erickson (or what’s his name, the curly-haired, cutie from the 70s). Time is gliding, pointed, pointedly around the ice in long arms, long legs and fine scissor glides. It is wound in mounds of unruly curls, springy and wound loosely on the head of an aging skater.

[ Yahoo! ] options

April 08, 2009

Respect


It comes in to question a lot, not by me and not by people like me—usually–but a lot, by people who are in whatever ways not like me. For people more compassionate, considerate or thoughtful, respect is something earned but easily given. For those who do not have or grant it easily, respect is something worth living –or dying—for.

I think, at times, about the ways in which I have used respect: the ways I have wielded it, abused it, denied it.

Respect costs me nothing and yet it is an often overlooked, under estimated and undervalued commodity. It is a language, like the Dow, that I am learning bit by bit.

Respect is returning phone calls; being cognizant of the meaning of time and the importance of being on time; it is reliability and expectation; it is valuing advice and recognizing the value of finding something you’ve been searching for and cherishing it.

Respect is a noun and a verb.

It is the thing and the act.

Respect is—at least for me and certainly for people like me and unlike me—worthy of living –and while maybe not dying—worthy of fighting for.

[ Yahoo! ] options

When Apples Go Bad: Part-2

 

  1. Explained situation to first Apple Customer Service Rep.
  2. Informative, polite exchange leading to transfer to a rep. who could look into the specifics.
  3. Transferred to Dave.
  4. Explained more in-depth, took picture of IPod, emailed Dave.
  5. Dave explained policy, issued a special code and explained the exception.
  6. Dave took notes of the exchange and determines the store needs to be held accountable for their behavior.
  7. I am impressed.
  8. Happily awaiting package to return and exchange my daughter's broken IPod.
[ Yahoo! ] options

When Apples Go Bad-Part 1

 

  1. One current and three potential Apple customers enter the Apple store in Towson, MD.
  2. The "genius" at the "Genius Bar" misidentifies my daughter's Ipod as an Iphone.
  3. Genuis recommends I pay $119 to have the 3-month old Ipod replaced.
  4. We discuss the probability of that happening.
  5. Genius explains the situation to the manager in the back room...laughter permeates the store.
  6. Scott (the presumed laugher in point 5) explains his logic behind suggesting I pay $119 to have the Ipod replaced: he believes my daughter is a budding technologist who somehow destroyed the inner workings of her Ipod.
  7. We agree to disagree.

 

 

[ Yahoo! ] options


Hosting by Yahoo!